I shall see this coming

Come on, what did you expect?

但是我也承認我的確有期望，好歹這是一群舊識的聚會，雖然會強顏歡笑苦中作樂，但至少看到熟識的面孔。

臨時一通電話取消，講什麼看我的時間，講什麼一定要四人聚會，講什麼等我回來後再聽我講去的經驗。

It's all bullshit.

我真的不懂為什麼我會在今天特別想到明天的聚會，然後抱著一絲"也許事情會有所變化"的希望。

媽的我真的是很傻。我幹嘛對一個整天強調自己有人追的傢伙，永遠只會把男友放第一的傢伙，還有我完全不知道在想什麼的傢伙，抱著"我們是朋友"的這種欺騙自己的心態。他們根本就不是我的朋友！我受夠了，我老早就受夠了！如果不能把我放在心上，只會口頭嘴炮關心我，沒有任何行動付出，就不要講的好像我們是朋友！FUCK！我被你們搞的很累，你們可以就老實一點承認你們根本就不關心我的死活，我們根本就不是朋友，然後再也不管我，這樣還來的比較乾脆一點吧？

我的疲憊，大概有很大部分來自這種不斷的失望，絕望，不知所措。我只希望能有個穩定的友誼圈而已。但是我真的累了，這裡沒有我要的東西，沒有我的家人。

Sono molto stanca.

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Watch me burn

Tired.

Don't want to think, let everything slip. I don't want to care.

Leave me alone.

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Me, all along, at home

Alone.

They are not my families. They feed and talk, but there's nothing.

Void, emptiness, nothing.

Nothing worth wasting my time. I have little in common with them.

Alone. I don't have family, friends or partner.

I'm home, but not my home, not my place, there's no one here with me.

I don't even want to be at the same space with them. I feel lonely with them. I am really tired, perhaps this time to the other place is the time to find my death.

So I won't feel tired, confused or lonely anymore.

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It begins

I can sense it.

That's the reason why I told you never get close to them again, ever. You see, you begin to feel it too. You want to, desperately want to get close to him (or them) again. And soon, very soon, you'll get hurt again. Because you just want their love/friendship so much, you'll give everything up to win their accompany. In the end, what you get will be endless disappointments. Then despair.

It will surely kill me this time.

A circle. I do not wish to repeat it again, but fate seems enjoy screwing me.

And today I already felt tired of PB, I thought I've found a new toy and good distraction, that's too bad. My mood seems to decide that he is too immature and unstable to my liking, and decided that we shall dislike him afterwards, well, after get the notebook back anyway.

I get tired of people easily.

I'm an irresponsible person who cannot sustain a lasting relationship with friends, families and lovers. Irritated by those who tired to get close to me. Hate those people who once I've been fond of.

To conclude, I am an asshole and don't deserve being love.

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FUCK YOU!

幹

幹什麼什麼都沒確定就跟我説要跟國家公園聯絡說要去拍什麼紀錄片？害我跟那邊確定之後又要很糗的跟人家說不去了

受苦的是我你知不知道啊！！！！他們一個不爽萬一跟我説不讓我去實習你要負責嗎？FUCK！

現在好了，他們一個緊張想說我其實還滿重要的，看到我下一封信，他們應該覺得我是一個大騙子吧？！！！！！！！！

接下來他們會怎麼整我就不知道了，只能說一切都是你們害死我的。媽的！

經費不足就不要說什麼要拍紀錄片的鬼啦！

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So be it

So be it.

就這樣吧，也許是被小朋友的純潔光芒治癒某種程度的病態。

也許是我已經累到不想要反駁反抗。

你要見我，你要和我聊天，你要姦我，都隨便你了。

相信些什麼？直覺再也不準，準則沒有標準，我被所有人的想法慾望驅使著走，我淹沒在其中。

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Not tired enough

大概還不夠累，我才有餘力憂鬱，有餘力胡思亂想。

我想要摔東西，把書桌上所有的東西掃到地上，砸東西，把窗戶砸破，大吼大叫大喊。

我想要運動到我沒有力氣想任何東西，跑步到我喘不過氣，累到我可以昏倒。

只要可以阻止我想任何事情，讓我不再思考，讓我不再痛苦煩惱。

為什麼你要跟我說話？我不明白你還想要從這裡得到什麼，我什麼都沒有，在你眼前的只是一個行屍走肉的空殼而已。

你想要什麼？告訴我，拿了你就走了吧？

你只是想要我和你友好的談話，假裝我們還是朋友，讓我成為你美好世界其中一部份的收藏品，讓我成就你完美世界的一片拼圖，你想要的是這個吧？你以為這是該死的肯尼的完美娃娃屋嗎？我他媽的不想配合啊！

我可以不要給你嗎？我已經傷痕累累，我已經累了，我不想要和你有任何關係了。我看到你就覺得害怕，只要看到你出現在我眼前，我彷彿可以聽見自己刷一聲把自己像憋氣一樣把自己整個封閉住，努力的不吐露出任何訊息。

每一次遇到你，不管有沒有說話，你都把我逼到要在這邊寫憂鬱症病人日誌自我治癒（或是發洩？）自己無處宣洩的憤怒挫折悲傷怨恨。我很累了，我僵直到再多一點點壓力，我就可以像枯木一般應聲折斷成兩半。

我沒有自信我可以再面對你

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Keep these to myself, June

憂鬱症是什麼？能吃嗎？

如果不想要接受幫助，就要自己想辦法爬起來，找出能夠振作自己的方法。一直回想過去的殘缺，對現在於事無補。這誰都知道吧？但是總是會鬼打牆，動不動就是會陷入走馬燈的陷阱中。我只想要每天都可以心情平緩的起床，知道這一天有一些任務等我完成，在事情都告一段落的晚上，心情平靜滿足的就寢。每天都可以很忙碌，做完該做的事情，不要有空閒的時刻讓過去的記憶追上來。朋友們不是每個都可以很戲劇化的適時拉你一把，也沒辦法有心電感應，好朋友需要經營，投入感情，但人到這把年紀，朋友可以交，死黨大概是交不起了。我還需要一些時間，也許永遠都無法有恢復的那一天，但是人生很長，世界人口很多，生命很短暫脆弱，放手永遠是一個選項。如果回憶是痛苦的，讓人可以前一秒好好吃麵，後一秒開始爆淚，那不想也罷吧，自己都快搞成神經病了，生活已經夠忙碌了，還讓自己情緒坐雲霄飛車，沒事找事做一向是我的常項。但是這真的太耗費心神，我不想要再浪費時間在這死結上了，況且這死結還是我堅持打的，現在才在想解開也有點太遲了。

研究生的人生是苦的

我到底他媽的要不要衝啊？我也很想要如同計畫般的，這學期把口試提出來→下學期專心完成論文＆準備語言檢定→下下學期提最後口試＆申請匈牙利獎學金or其他出國計畫or工作。但是...我真的需要戒掉網路和STAR TREK(搥牆)。總之是自己意志力超差。我很想念家人和伙伴我總是可以依賴他們，不是說我不能自己做事，我只是喜歡被照顧和信任別人的感覺也許在那個時候，我認為自己是值得被寵的，我是有價值的。但是現在我對自己的評價低落到，我根本不覺得自己值得被照顧或喜愛，更不用說信任人了，我連自己都不相信，我連簡單的承諾都無法做到，說出的每個字我都覺得虛偽空泛，既然是無法實現的目標，我連說出來都不願意。所以我什麼都不想說，也沒什麼好說的。因為我就是...卡住了。我試著一個人獨立處理事情試著一個人過活，把所有人推開，隔離的結果只有空虛，一事無成，寂寞和搞砸大部分的事情。我累了。明明什麼事都沒有做，但是覺得好累。事情究竟會變的如何，我決定自我放逐後又開始搖擺不定。他們真的是我的朋友嗎？我累了，寧可拋棄一切，也不願意收拾殘局。我知道什麼決定是正確的，還有如果我真的放棄會發生什麼事情，但是問題就是：我做的到嗎？

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A better understanding

I think I have a better understanding of myself right now.
I just keep throwing things, once I feel I am too attached to them.
When I learnt that I will never be their no. 1.
That's the point I start kicking them away, hard.
It's the forth time, I should have known this will happened.
It's all the matter of time.

And it will never heal.
All things burn during the process, I think only one have survived so far.
Others, even if I try, just never work out right.
The sweetness and belonging once existed, now only turn into endless pain and sorrow.
I would choose to drink and laugh with strangers, rather than seeing them again.

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I've had enough

Seriously, how long am I going to suffer?
Every time I think of them, I feel pain, chill.

Humiliation.

I do not want to see you again.

If that is what a friendship should feel like, I do not wish to have friends.

Get out of my life, get out of my sight, get out of my mind.

People always says, "out of sight, out of mind."
I really wish it is the case, and I believe as long as I keep my nose down, pretending that I'm numb and dumb, they will let me go.

Obviously not.

Why show your gratitude for me right now? For I don't want it.
Why bring out those past happy memories now? For I want to forget.
Why you seem to care? Because you do not.
You only care about your own benefits.

I'm just a jester, a laugh.
I don't want to be monk at anymore.

I don't wish to hear anything you say, your advises are nothing but insults.
I don't trust you anymore, you are not a friend.
You all are not to be trusted.

I've had enough.
Everything changed, rotten, broken.
I cannot go back.

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I hate you

I repeatly told myself that I don't want to see you.
That I hate you.
The sight of you pain me, cause me feel grief.
I cannot stand the sight of you.

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La Meglio Gioventu

I'm too much like Matteo, it isn't a good sign.
I frequently push friends and families away, forbid myself to talk to them, trust them.

Those moments when Matteo made the irrational decisions, when he wanted to reach out but refrained himself from doing so. It's heartbroken.
Matteo is a complex and almost incompressible person, his actions were full of contradiction. He loved his families, but kept his love from showing.

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Jim's Last Words to...

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes: I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands to pass their freshness over me once more: I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.
I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep. I want your ears still to hear the wing, I want you to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together, to continue to walk on the sand we walk on.
I want what I love to continue to live, and you whom I love and sang above everything else to continue to flourish, full-flowered:
so that you can reach everything my love directs you to, so that my shadow can travel along in your hair, so that everything can learn the reason for my song.

Pablo Neruda

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I miss my friends...

Feeling sad.

I just want to be loved by my dear friends.

They are my laughter and my joy, another family.

Now they just gone, for I cannot keep up.

But it has been 3 years, I seldom felt happy or satisfied.
Only pain and stress, and endless frustration.
I don't want to live like this for another year, really, it's killing me.

Get out, leave, never come back.

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STAR TREK XI DVD & Enterprise!

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